Hi! My name is O-Man the Immaculate, and today I\'ll be teaching you what not to do when you stay at a hotel. As an employee of a hotel I shall not name for 3 years, who teeters on the edge of disgruntled on a daily bases, I\'m going to teach you how to avoid being the victim of a feed up employee going postal on your a**.
Lesson 1: Breast are not coupons.
Ladies, when you\'ve been out on the town and are hammered like a nail in a wall, putting the girls on display is not how you get a discount. While it is a joy to witness some of the more robust groupings, it is an insult to assume I\'m so desperate as to give you a 50% discount because you\'ve put on a softcore show.
All this does is get me to quote you a price around 20$ higher than our actual rate, and work my way down to the actual rate. Sure you may believe you came out on top, but it\'s actually the hotel that did. Because even our actual rate is still too high.
Lesson 2: Have a designated driver do the check in.
If it\'s one thing I hate more than a chick fishing for discounts, it\'s drunk people fishing fishing for discounts. Despite what you may think, most of what you say during the check in process is pure jackassery.
And no, drunk people. Bill Clinton having sexual relations with that woman, is not an intelligent discussion.
Lesson 3: Just because it\'s 2am, doesn\'t mean it\'s next business day.
Don\'t try to be smarter than the man, and arrive after midnight and think you\'re going to get a buy one get on deal. If you show up before check in time, you are subject to pay for the prior day.
If you show up 2am Friday morning, it still counts as Thursday.
Lesson 4: Not every little problem warrants you a refund or hefty discount.
Just because your toilet paper didn\'t have the little triangle, doesn\'t mean you\'re entitled to a 30% discount. Just because the room is smaller than you thought it was, does not mean you get upgraded to a suite at no extra charge.
Finding a pubic hair hair on a washcloth warrants a free night. A previous front desk worker forgetting to check your reservation into the system, and the current worker sends checks someone else into that same room and they walk in on you, is reason enough for a hefty discount. Pretty much anything that makes you not want to stay with at that hotel again, is reason to start asking for discounts and free nights.
Lesson 5: Being a member of a rewards program, does not entitle you to the world.
Just because you are a member of a rewards program, does not mean you are the second coming of Jesus. You are not as elite those introductory letters lead you to believe.
You are apart of a club that lets anyone who knows their name and address join. The amount of money you usually spend at hotels to get enough points to redeem for the rewards in some programs, more than covers what the chain spends to acquire the reward. Those MLB tickets you paid thousands of dollars for staying at that chain of hotels to get, doesn\'t cost that chain much.
You are not Black Card status, you are secured-credit card status. Believing otherwise is a good way to put you high on the list for a good ol\' fashion smothering.
Lesson 6: We don\'t care about the room keys.
Some people seem to believe an angel gets it\'s wings, if they return the room keys. That is not the case. Please do not flag us down when we are helping a guest, mopping the lobby, even picking our nose, just to make sure we get the room keys back. Our souls are not directly attached to the keys, and have to be returned to the person who issued them, or the person dies.
It\'s okay to just leave the keys in the room. Or leave them on the counter as you walk by the front desk. We will not charge you for not personally handing over your room keys to the front desk staff.
Lesson 7: Tell me you\'re checking out the first time you walk past me.
If you know you\'re checking out that morning, tell me so the first time you walk past the desk.
Don\'t walk past me 10 times and wait until I start doing something, before you come up to the desk and say, \"I\'m checking out this morning. Could I get a copy of the receipt. I\'m running a little late.\".
Lesson 8: Clean up after yourselves! Ya damn animals!
If you want to sit in the lobby and read a newspaper, fine. But don\'t leave it scattered across the couch for us to have to clean up!
Same goes for when your drinking coffee, eating, or rearranging chairs. If you wouldn\'t do it at home, don\'t do it at a hotel. If you do do it at home, stay there. We don\'t want you trashing our hotels and irking us.
Lesson 9: The lobby is not a late night lounge.
The lobby is an entry way to your room, and a place for groups to meet up and go do whatever it is you\'re going to do. Not your personal late night lounge. Hanging out and being loud is a good way to speed up the postal process in front desk workers.
We wouldn\'t even mind nearly as much if the loudness wasn\'t a factor. People seem to forget what the hell an inside voice is when they enter the doors of a hotel.
Lesson 10: I\'m not your, \"bruh\".
Just because I am the same ethnicity as you, does not mean you will get a discount. I don\'t know you, and I have no intentions of sticking together with you.
Between the hours or 11PM-7AM, I am a slave to the man, and you are a pocketbook with a face on it. Even then, I don\'t know you, and have no intentions of sticking together with you.
Disclaimer - This lesson is not intended to start up a racial debate. Racism is cheap. I make too much money to ever support racism.
Disclaimer for the Disclaimer - I hope you guys know about that Whitney Houston, Crack is cheap, fiasco. Otherwise that last part is not going to make a bit of damn sense.
Bonus Lesson: Don\'t interrupt me when I\'m playing my PSP!
Self explanatory.
Study these lessons, and you can avoid a potential choking from a disgruntled employee. Remember, people who work the front desk have master keys. Do you really want to piss off people who can get into any room in the hotel?
